Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
