so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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