She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
