Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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