Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
