and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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