hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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