why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
