Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
