I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
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