Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
It's official drugs can't kill me
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
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