my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
