WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize