is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
