just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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