I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
