hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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