She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
