Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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