one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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