hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
As shirtless as possible
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
