these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
