Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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