I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
