After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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