Cold hands, warm shart.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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