I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Randomize