oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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