Moan for me like Helen Keller
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
