so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
