why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize