im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
