mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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