Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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