Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
