Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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