My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
