remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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