Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
