You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
