Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
