DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
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