i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
