Don't make out with my wife yet
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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