just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
