sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
