you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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