I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
