the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I said "one day" and that day is not today
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
