She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
