fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
