ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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