And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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