my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
