I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
