I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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